My Mind.....I Can No Longer Control It.

When work ties you down, it causes confusion to your mind. With 3 clubs, my studies, tuition, co-curricular activities and my prefects job to juggle, it's no surprise why I'm always nutty. But I felt really bad today. Morning duty is usually a fun thing for me. But I'm slacking badly. I no longer catch as many people as I used to. I no longer act as serious as I used to. Why?

Nothing I do seems right. I am faced by problems after problems after problems. When I'm serious, I'm feared by every student I take care of. And I'm told that I'm too serious. When I try to loosen up, students think they can step on my head...and I'm told that I'm slacking.

That hit me like a real sledgehammer. Today, I felt really bad when a student tried to explain that his hair was considered short. Suddenly, a sense of anger overwhelmed me and the next thing I know, I gripped the boy by his collar and said to him, "Either you can go to the back of the line right now or I'll make you go...and trust me, you won't DAMN HELL like it!"

At that moment, I felt fear in him. He was terrified and took his bag and went immediately. But it did not feel right. As I returned to my line, I could feel that there was a sense of hate in everyone. Why are prefects not liked by everyone? I wonder. I got what the teachers want...compliant students. But by causing fear in them, how is that disciplining.

I know, students are sometimes hard to teach. If we loosen up, they will step over us. But if we don't, we'll be hated. They see me as a Nazi in uniform. Sometimes, I wonder if I made a wise choice by joining in the first place. Still, to avoid slacking, I can haul the whole class for every little mistake they do if I want to. But looking back, if I were in their shoes, how would I feel? Sometimes, screwing them up for every mistake they so is not going to do any good. Instead, we'll create a lynch mob.

So I leave the decision to the higher authorities. I just take the orders. If they want a loose group of prefects, it might be hard to control the crowd but they'll understand why we do this. If they want a death squad, no problem. We can chop down every single student in school. Compliant or non-compliant, we'll get them all. Peace and quiet at last....but is it right?

What a miniature nuclear meltdown in the brain would look like.

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